When I think of boys:[i like] funny little comments, faces, and silly things oranges, and all those juicy 'tings'... romping around and breaking things accidently nintendo, dreamcast, and anything that involves mashing buttons in a highly competitive spermy fashion ignoring the obvious meaning of that statement cause they meant the nicer one, obviously! communicating in a really round about way in fear of sounding too clingy: "uhh, you're cool, but not so cool that you're the only fish available, uhh..." anxiety cause you smell bad and he's looking to hug you out of his own accord for once while you avoid him... torso twisting, bat swingin' sporting techniques ingenious ability to get rid of hurting vapors by [?] nachos, and other superbowl cuisine getting from cameron, you know hugs and kisses
afterthought: this isn't going to make much sense. after talking it out. the feeling of the moment described below is slowly being replaced by a reminder of the people i have around me. i guess what i'm trying to say is that the worst fear i have in life other than becoming disease ridden is losing everyone i hold close to me, and without extended family or a close family i count on the friends around me to fill in the void i sometimes feel with humor and happiness.
moreafterthought: damn, i don't feel terribly sad anymore. this roller coaster of feelings is one heck of a ride. the feelings i felt up there were true, but they were extremely enhanced just a moment ago after an argument with my mother. well, i guess that was what did it, and plus i'm at the time of month where i can blame everything on horomones. blech, sorry!
i'm not your daughter, the daughter you've always wanted
why is it that my liking a boy means that i'm slut, a free, cheap available one at that. oh wait, you didn't say slut, you said a loose girl who worries about boys all the time. i'm not a doctor, then naturally i'm the fastfood worker. so would you like fries with that?
I don't have to do this you know. please please try and understand why you mean so much to me. maybe when you read this you'll understand why i feel like i'm going to just fall apart and lose it all. maybe when you read this i will lose you. i don't want that, but what i want and what happens to me -- you know you're loved by someone, you probably think your mother and father love you, you probably think the guy next door loves you, hooray! drool oh mommy dearest, you know how much boys, especially the ones that are next door get to me.
i feel so alone right now. 12:05AM, so alone. where did vietnam take her? what did they do to her? mom, why can't you understand that i live for more than just boys. why is my boyfriend better than your own daughter? why is it ok for him to be with me, but terrible for me to be with him? mom it's hard to say i love you when i have to hide from you
You probably don't worry about losing your friends as much as I do. You have people you can always turn to. You have yourself.
i have myself too you say. a girl who constantly worries about losing all the love she's ever had. Why is it that a mother's love feels like something she has to gain through scholarships and acceptance letters. why is it that her father is in vancouver worrying about the possible obese daughter he might return home to if he ever does. she soothes herself with her other daughter. mother soothes herself with "man #2." i hurt so much when we fight. you know exactly what to say, and exactly what to do. pots hurt.
please don't go. love is the kindness around me. love is when i open my mailbox to find coupons to New York Fries, love is the bestfriend who just listens to things when others wouldn't understand, love is being able to cry on your shoulder -- where are you?
love is the simplest thing to me. i have to make it that way or i'd never feel like --
i am not the beautiful classy daughter you've always wanted. i am not the super child you envisioned. i am not going to cry when you tell me this cause i know you love me. i am not. i am not.
girlfriend. jocelyn & jessica, i don't think you guys realize it. I don't think you understand how much i appreciate you guys being there for me, even if you didn't know it. i hope you don't think i take you for granted jess as a bestfriend. you know that i'll be there for you. hanson said it all, you just remember that angie'll do it. hohohoho what a slogan.
Cameron, please don't be creeped out. I had a fight with my mother, well she had an argument with me. I don't know why it came about either. I just became immersed in her anger. I'm feeling so stressed and sad right now that it's almost intolerable. Everything that I said on that note is true, and I missed a lot of points. I can't list all of them, but everytime I'm with you a new one comes to mind, or an old one makes me want to just tell you that you're great outta the blue. maybe that's whipped. maybe that's possessive? maybe i need to just cool it. maybe i'm crazy, but maybe, just maybe i like you a lot, and i don't want you to think that i'm going to break down, going psycho dependant and become a rung around your neck. i just want you to know that i'm still the same person you've always known. cheery and optimistic [cause it would suck to work to be cynical.] I don't want you to think that you have to be obligated to do anything, or be more attentive! I really appreciate you just being the funny compassionate nice guy that you are now. knowing that a guy like you likes me for who i am is really special. thank you.
I've gotten 2 great emails, and none of them were about my pita...
GASP
So impressive were they that I can't respond for fear of ruining the good karma, ora, call it what you will, but Joce and Cam are triple royale. They sure know how to take care of a girl.
Honorable mention: Dave Boyle, He sent me an email that went straight to my procrastinating nature, "English isn't due until Thursday..."
Are you too scared to relate to the things I do? say yes. I've never been complimented on my writing skills [hint, hint] except for the time when I wrote the all too true story of "How I introduced myself to a pebble by accidently imbedding it into my head."
Anti-Angie: News Flash: It's still there, it's called your thinking machine...er brain. Pro-Angie: It's not too late for the coincidental email of compliments to arive shortly after this posting! I'll even think it's genuine in 3-2-1...
I hide my beltching and flatulence tendencies under the guise of being short.
Did I bring a smile to your face? Or was I hurting you trying to be amicable?
I am truly insecure in the most secure way. I won't tell you that I'm cool cause you might then make mention of the giant pimple. I won't tell you why I'm uncool because then you might stop holding my hand. When you stop holding my hand I might try to impress you with giant cartwheels across the mall floor and engaging you in conversations about the sexy in fad graddresses that I have yet to own.
Oh, but insecurity isn't sexy, and you know I'm all sexy...
it seems i tell you everything. i write it just so that i can say it again.
Last Saturday I may have set my front garden ecology into whack! I stealthily
snuck into my neighbour's garden guarded by stalks of offensive brown grass
and stole 6 earthworms! Muahahaha! With my newvly acquired vworms I vill now
'ave ve ultimate powver garden!
Angie-Mumbo-Lingo If you do too well of a job they might want you to do it again.
I'm getting the feeling that if I spend too much one on one with my boyfriend
that some imaginary "angie quota" will start a revolutionary freedom
movement. Should I hide out for a bit until the "angie reservoirs"
deplete just a bit to the, "BABAY, I need You?!" level? [the gods must be crazy]
one of those gaming boy toy moments that i can't resist [sorry girly angie] Friends: With a swoosh and skill of the force of JEDI STAR WARS[playstation]
we [Chris, Cam, Jeff, and I]
managed to oust the 24 hour clock and the Edmonton Transit Bus schedules. 2:39a.m Chris kindly offers to house the tired bodies of Jeff and nervous me
. 2 boys one girl, and my boyfriend laughing on his way out to drive home. You'd
think with the momentum of the events that I'd atleast have my boyfriend sleeping over to
boot huh? So,I got home before my parents woke up the next morning. secret services agent material
[this has recently stopped. where's the apology call lady?]
Somewhere [it must be] on the EdmontonTransitSystem
I've been mistaken for a repairmen and have got a "if you want a sexy
water heater repairmen scrawled on the seats.""Hello
you have reached 55a-ngie[my phone number] please leave your name..."
This is the message she is greeted with, yet she believes that I can cure her
hot water tank. Unfortunately if this keeps up I foresee a permanent case of
goosebumps and a frigid daughter. "I had to miss work yesterday because
of this and my daughter had to take a cold shower before school this morning..."
If I exercised I'd never look like her,
and that bucket of fries and gravy looks so appealing. Sorry...grad dress.
I had a dream I was doing investigative journalism in a highly secured school
in their video editing suite, and I had screwed up the recording of the news
broadcast....[?]
I was switched at birth: I'm not the real Scorpion,
November 12, 1982 baby. What's a good horoscope site? A fun one I mean? Hmm?
Silly [but oh, I did]
I bought a $185 dress
I ate 5 perogies in a row
I dreamt of cocaine eating horses
I screwed up investigative reporting in my dream! Doh.
I had messy hair and a silly expression when Cameron's sister asked, "So
what were you guys watching?"
Yes, I'm still on the whole Grad Shabang. I can't wear my dress
to the after grad party!! But I wanted to wear it for at least hmmm...29 hours,
$6.50/hr. Oh my.
i am better than good i played basketball yesterday
i got a blister from the bat i like catching balls in my glove
nah nah nah nah nah i have a great grad date i don't [sigh, or haven't] write enough
erotic emails to cameron i hope he doesn't think that i think he's a
fashion disaster now...
ewww: maybe cheating isn't that he doesn't love you but that he
wants double the pussy
I got big problems and little feet. Come on I dare you to put
these shoes on. I've got to rant, and i've got to rave passionately, intelligently,
and interestingly...damn pussy, I've got to put some fuck out there for the
search engines!
Other than just plain sucking Donald Trump when it comes to writing these sorta things... I'm not cut out to cater to the masses, I write like you know
me and that's only rehashing the memories, and if you don't know me, you don't
even have the memories to reflect upon. Sucks huh?
Why would you rather read about sadness? Even I can't help but
be lured into reading those journals that are honest and in-depth. Me, I'm a
happy contented need attention kinda person, but it doesn't cut it in the online
journals world. Honest is in-depth sadness. Sincerity is breaking your toe
and being nostalgic about the time you broke his heart. I don't want to let
you into things that make me want to melt into the floor and turn into some
one better, something else, somewhere different. You make me want to cry, but
I would rather not because you make me feel better things than sadness. I could
tell you if you really wanted to know, but I couldn't just entrust you with
all that is me and expect you to absorb it and understand that I'm really happy
now. I don't want to leave you uncomfortable, or feeling a need to provide comfort.
I don't like feeling bad, and telling you about it would just be a damper. That's
why I don't write the bad things for you the webloggy reader, you the friends
I love, you know who, you the potential avid repeat visitor because my honesty
reflects the sadness that you have yet to feel cause in this world it's inevitable
right? Yeah right. I'd rather you know my happiness. I'd rather you love the
side of me that I let you see. Sadness is my silence.
I'd rather not cry right now. You are loved! [i had more to post
but it was so silly/trivial that it would just clash with the above entry...Heaven
forbid.]
