Honestly, I don't know what you're doing here. I don't know what I'm doing here. If you leave me to myself I ferment...and it's no fine wine baby.

Lots of love and a stranger's compassion make up for feeling like a begger.

Check out some hot pictures of me. [scanned courtesy of Jocelyn] If you can't understand me, try and lust after me...I bet it feels good! *sigh* So much for short and sweet.

I didn't want everyone to know, and yet at the same time I do, and I guess it's already too late since my mom called all the girls making pleas on my behalf for them to stay my friends, and I guess people who like me can reassure me, and people who are unsure, can ignore this, and people who really like me can reassure me...You guys aren't what my mom cracks you up to be right? [details later...]

Parents and their duties -->
asian parents and their duties -->
my parents and their duties -->
my mother and her duties.

You're lucky she isn't your mother.
You can't believe anyone is like this or that. You can't fathom their smiling demeanour a mask of fury? Dammit!! That girl who's always laughing is suddenly a ball of insecure, nervous anxieties... I don't feel good about graduating. I feel like I don't deserve it sometimes, or what good is it. I feel really little. Not in stature...I feel like a phoney sometimes. My mother keeps saying everyone I care about is out of my league. Keeping in mind that my troubles are petty gets harder everyday. I've got to ignore the fact that I'm a failure in the task of advancing straight from highschool to university and focus on getting to university after...dammit screwing it all up. I'm really sensitive about everything from friends to school at the moment. The more I try and ignore "the life lessons" mother tells me about the more they start to creep into my mind creating little breaks of doubts that if they don't stop soon they're going to link together and form one massive dark hole in my head. Now if that's not "putting the pain on my head." What life lessons?

If these were true they would hurt me so much. You know when they say the world falls apart? This is what it would take. I'm not suicidal, but I may as well have a lobotomy if this was true.
Mother says:
When you're in the house you have to be constantly working or else you're never going to university. . .
If you're not going to university you're as good as a prostitute, atleast then you'll be making some money.
Why doesn't someone like Jessica who's intelligent and cute not have a boyfriend? [Oh I agree with this part but not the coming...] You better watch out she can have any boy she likes.
When Cameron [boyfriend] finds out that you're not going to university and [basically a loser and only good for one thing...]
They only like you because you're someone who they can play with. When they get older, they're going to need someone who can actually interest them intellectually.
None of them want you to do well. You shouldn't tell them your plans on going to University. If they know they'll se t you back.
You never make me happy. You'll never make anyone happy.

DAMN, I don't want to be a freaking moral reenacted in real-life. "You'll find out who you're true friends are during the hard times."

Question:
How can I be a desired girlfriend, valued friend, and respected individual while at the same time desperately needy??! Do little spurts of needy / happy?

I didn't want everyone to know, and yet at the same time I do, and I guess it's already too late since my mom called all the girls making pleas on my behalf for them to stay my friends, and I guess people who like me can reassure me, and people who are unsure, can ignore this, and people who really like me can reassure me...God [sorry, I said God's name in vain], only if you're sincere ok?? Atleast that way I'll know when to curl up and want to disappear.

P.S. Jocelyn thanks for putting up all those smiling pictures of us. I love pictures, and those were great captured memories.

Gaaaaaawd, I have a way of sounding really dumb/mean/and/or negative on the phone. I start talking and once I run out of true substance [2 sentences in.] I start messing up the way random thoughts sound. I like you mistakenly becomes I don't like you that much. Nice guys start sounding like complete perverts, and otherwise interesting telephone conversations become a how long can I keep the other person titilated until they give up on waiting for some interesting content. It's like being jilted, you know you sucked...and the worse they could do was say no/bye, but gosh I get a definite burnt toast rating for telephone closing etiquette.

Boybands. It's all poppycock, but I love it so much! They croon in your ears about impossible feats they'll do for you to get you that hunk of burning love! They'd fly to the moon and back to not hear you say bye bye bye, and quit playing games, it breaks their hearts when you say it that way, you know the way you say, oops I did it again?

It's not too good Angie when people start thinking that your sense of humor is sarcasm. There's mysterious and then there's just alienation. Oh my.

My sister, my cute little sister has dubbed herself Detective Cheeta, and me Detective Cookie! Cheeta because it sounds sexy, smart, and they're fast. Cookie because they roll fast. "Ba boom ching"
"You're sister is such a burn..." hehe

What do you think my overall mood is? Happy. Could you have told by my pita? I've got to thank Alex for stealing my shoe today! That was a laugh. Jess for being one perky fun presence in the school. Jocelyn for showing that belt who was boss. You're very sexy. Cameron, for being Cameron ;), and for being at school. You delinquent! Meghan for talking to me -- and the rain it indirectly caused four messages to be left on my machine!

I was told by two people this week that they loved me. Not the "luv ya babe" or Love as a closing, but a I love you. Like a full on the mouth kiss. Like someone licking your eyeball. Woah!!

Jocelyn inspired entry.

detectives boy bands 2 years ago

Yesterday, stairing at my temporary closet otherwise known as the carpet I thought I should clean up my room.

Silly and cute
Are they one and the same? Is one of them annoying and the other one amusing? Does cute make you just want to knock that person upside the head and snap at them to get real because all you can think about is how transparent they are and how much your life sucks at the moment and why the hell does everyone think they're so cute and -- how do you do that?

I think you're gay
As in happy? No.

Who do you think you are?

Actually I'm not talking about ANYBODY. Not even you. Everyone clamors over hoping to find out whether you're talking about how annoying they are, or how hygenically unpleasing you were yesterday, but really it wasn't for anyone. If it was then you thought they would figure it out themselves, since they must know what the hell is wrong. No. Should they waste time wondering whether it's them? Should they worry? Is that what you want? Are they being self centered? Talk if you want to, but guilt trips and silent treatments really suck trump.

I wonder if the rain is going to stop today. It is refreshing.

HELLO. What do you want me to write about???? Email? Guestbook entry me with your ideas! Are breast implants the way to go?

Oh my...
Today I had a chocolate stain on my shirt and a less than clean looking pair of pants on. I didn't comb my hair, my face felt oily, I had yucky breath, and I brought up pimples in a conversation. Where did these tragic suicidal social tendencies come from?

Ne'er again. [i hope]

My pitas are too long. My thoughts are undeveloped. My legs are 1ft too short.

Heads are rolling [mine too?]. Glares and "wooh she's smelly" gestures are all over the place. I bet you laughed at me dance. My toes are funny shaped. My tummy shares room and board with a belly. My mother's got the psycho thing going for her. I'm insanity touched. Hug me. Alcohol should do like dinner and burn.

I'm that smiling bastard someone wants outta the picture?

Sometimes it just feels that way.

Archived : May 14, 2000 - June 3, 2000

Love BLURBS
My favorite most sophisticated grad/singer: Jocelyn
My favorite funny friend brain: Jessica
My favorite animal lover: Meghan
My favorite Jeff: Jeff
My favorite passionate celery lover: Cameron X

Adventures outside a library -- [we were talking about BOYS.]
Darleina of Stratford says, "I'm looking for a man." A young whipper snapper and a whiskered old man look up.

Stolen memories
I knew the day would come when I would be a sex object!

At the after grad party while I was moping around I missed Chris J's drunken musings: "AU. The a stands for Astronimical, and the U stands for you..."